I went to a birthday party tonight. I had only met the birthday girl once before, but we have a lot of mutual friends (I almost wrote "friends in common", god help me), so they invited me. Alexandre's out of town for school stuff, so I went without him.
The birthday girl turned 30, but... I felt like an ambassador from the US... visiting 12 year olds. I mean, there were a handful of nice, friendly people at the party, but there were some real... winners.
Like the guy who shouted "SPEAKEE ENGLISHEEE?" every time I walked by his table. Or the other guy who kept saying "You can only come to the next party if you bring American amigas!" And just the people changing the subject in general back to the fact that I'm American in all of my conversations. Like... I know I have an accent. And I know they're curious. But after I tell them that I've lived here for over 2 years, and when I'm keeping up with their conversations just fine, you think they'd realize that we have other things in common. After hearing the same jokes and comments so many times (partly because of the dumb factor and partly because drunk people repeat themselves), I want to just say, "GET OVER IT!"
But the highlight of the night was definitely the drunk obnoxious birthday girl who came up to my table of friends and shouted, "DANI! Dani from the United States of North America! Why are you here?! You just came here to steal the good Brazilian guys!"
Ha. Hilarious. We were all talking at the moment when she came up shouting, so I just ignored her and went back to the conversation.
About 10 minutes later, I walked over to the fridge to get some soda. The birthday girl cornered me at the fridge and said again, "You just steal good Brazilian guys!" (Not really sure why she keeps saying I steal "guys", in the plural.) But this time, I said "yup, and I stole a really good one!" So then she said something like, "You should be embarrassed!" And I said, "Nope! Not embarrassed at all! Really happy, actually!" Then I finished pouring my Coke and went back to the table.
A little while later, the birthday girl came back to the table AGAIN and sat down next to a friendly enough girl that I just met at the party. (At the table was me, my best Brazilian friend Carol, her very nice boyfriend, and another friend of ours. Plus this new girl that we had just met.) The birthday girl pointed to me and then said to the new girl (in a loud voice for everyone to hear), "That's Dani. She steals good Brazilian men!"
"Wow. The third time," I said, not hiding my annoyance. Luckily, my buddies pitched in to help.
"Who's stealing who?" They asked sarcastically. "Alexandre stole a really good American!"
"I think you guys are a beautiful couple, Danielle."
Even Carol's boyfriend helped out. "Alexandre is great! And the best part? He's a Corinthians fan!" (that's a soccer team here, if you're out of the loop). This comment was particularly helpful because it got a rise out of all the men within earshot and successfully changed the subject.
The girl was so drunk that I'm not sure if she even held her attention long enough to realize that they were disagreeing with her, but I appreciated their effort and inclusion. It was a nice moment of humanity. After the birthday girl moved on to another table, my friends said things like, "Don't mind her, she's just drunk. She's usually very nice." and "She was just joking, viu?"
I'm sorry, but I don't think that calling something a joke gives anyone free reign to be totally rude and insulting. Neither does being drunk. I pretended to be tired and went home pretty soon after all that.
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that the birthday girl was feeling pretty shitty because she realized that she's 30, still single, and kind of looks like a rabbit.
When things like this happen, I have a bad habit of remembering all similar events (even though they're relatively rare in relation to how many people I've ever talked to in this country). Like one of Alexandre's classmates, who "joked" with me that Alexandre was only with me for the green card. And another one of the hospital people who, upon seeing me at a party with Alexandre about a year and a half after my moving here, said, "oh, you're still here?"
Like... Ok. I know I'm sensitive. I know I take things too personally sometimes. But those comments are rude, right? There are times where I really just feel like I'm not taken seriously, or where people are so messed up with their own problems and I'm an easy scapegoat. I know it's more of the latter, but it's still sucky, and it gets old.
Alexandre says not to worry about it, that our real friends respect me and take me seriously. That's true, but I don't see why someone who isn't a "friend" must be an enemy by default.
I know, I know. Not everyone is bad. I'm just having one of those nights, and I'm ready for Alexandre to come home tomorrow.
Posts
Don't worry about it. I'm married to a Brazilian and have had similar experiences, though I'm a man. There does seem to be a huge vein of obnoxiousness in Brazilian 'polite' society. I have never experienced this further 'down' the social scale. It seems to be an upper-middle class sport. be obnoxious and then complain that no-one 'gets' you. It does make for some teeth grinding, but it is, as you say, so patently driven by insecurity that with a bit of effort you can pass it off as amusingly pathetic and pity them. Quite hard when they're drunk and shouty, though.
ReplyDeleteI'm right there with you. I've heard "you're still here?" a few times, but as I near the 3 year mark coming up in October people seem to finally be accepting the fact that I actually live here. One instance that really stuck with me was when I was at a party about 2 years ago, in a circle of people talking, I hadn't said much (you know all about the turn-taking), but I laughed when someone told a joke. Then this girl stared directly at my boyfriend and said "Noooossa! Ela entende tudo! Que coisa!" I'm sure in her head she thought she was giving me a compliment (addressed to my boyfriend?), but it made me livid, and I quickly came back with "Yes, even that comment!"
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, most of the obnoxiousness has come from my boyfriend's family, mostly from female cousins, and I find it harder to remind myself to pity them when I know I see them several times a year. I have seriously been greeted with loud sighs, as if to say "Damn, she's STILL showing up to family events?" And it is totally their insecurity.
I'm also frequently amazed at how some people can forget from one encounter to another that I speak Portuguese and am a fully-functioning human around here. I'll have long, complex conversations with my bf's stepmom. Then the next time we see her, she pulls him aside to say "If she doesn't understand what we're saying, we can slooooow down" And every time I laugh at a joke she loves to say "Zoe liked that one!"
Like one of the other commenters wrote, maybe it's actually insecurity? I know it may not seem like it, but some people go on the offensive when they feel insecure. You're always so friendly and nice though so I'm not sure how she could be insecure around you ;D
ReplyDeleteOr maybe she's just an a-hole and not worth bothering about!
There's nothing wrong with being sensitive and reacting emotionally to things like that. Jokes and comments from drunk people are legitimately hurtful when they strike the right cord. There's no excise for that behavior. I think you hit the nail on the head when you speculated that the birthday girl was really feeling down on herself. Just remember a lot of these people are probably jealous of you!
ReplyDeleteI'm brazilian and my girlfriend is a foreigner too, and if you don't deny this comment, maybe other people can understand things a little better... brazilians like to joke a lot. You can think that's wrong or whatever you like, but they joke a lot, and nobody can change that. My girlfriend suffered from the same things you are suffering lately, even with comemnts coming from me. Little jokes like the ones you described and we don't ever mean them badly. Foreigners are more touchy than brazilians, and every little thing we joke about becomes an offense. When we make friends with somebody in Brazil, we make those jokes to see how loose a person can be, how "cool" they are. If a guy has long hair we joke "you hair looks gay"... No, we don't think it's gay, we have nothing against gay people. We just joke and that's it, 30 seconds later it's gone. But foreigners seem to attatch to jokes so much more deeply, and then they say we're obnoxious, when really we already forgot we made that joke, they're still suffering from it. If you wanna deal with brazilians, just learn the way they are. Americans have their annoying little things, too. Every people has its cultural differences and, Danielle, just think about it a little... that girl was drunk, yes, but she was joking and she didn't mean it. If you're cool about it, you'll make friends faster here... nobody thinks those things of you, or if they think it, they won't say it to your face. Trust me. Just let go, laugh about it and joke back at her. Be cool.
ReplyDeleteKristin, I think you've hit the nail on the head!
ReplyDeleteBruno,
I think you've heard of the phrase "Toda brincadeira tem um fundo de verdade"... in other words, every joke has some truth behind it...
I truly think "some" Brazilians hide behind the "joke" card to insult or tell people what they really think.
It is a cultural habit some people have to not be confrontational and create a "joke" to tell some truth they have stuck on the tip of their tongue.
Ray
What an interesting dialogue here! I think what Bruno is saying is completely understandable; but he should also understand from your entry that this girl did not make the "joke" once or twice, which would've been cool- she harrassed you for the entire night that even the other party guests (who were Brazilian) felt bad for you. I also agree with Ray to the extent that I can see how most of the time, "jokes" like that are masked insults. But I'm sure the rest of the time they really are the Brazilian-type loose humor that Bruno was describing. Either way, I would've went nuts on someone long ago from what you've described, so good job!
ReplyDeleteHi there, Im and Aussie and Have been reading this blogsite because I am interesting in moving to Brazil. (and Ive really enjoyed reading had a few laughs and even shed a tear) I couldnt help commenting on this blog because I think I may be able to shed some light on the situation from a different cultural point of view. I come from a country where this is even more prevelant and the entire conversation can consist of giving and throwing back jibes insults and "attacks" and all smiling and laughing and haveing a great time doing it. and they giving a light hearted insult is like saying "Hey how you going" "I think your OK". In fact if you cant take one and throw one back and all have a good laugh, then you dont fit in at all. (which if probably why I have some trouble on that front.) When I went to the US a few years back I would make a joke and nobody would laugh, and perhaps they would look a bit cut, and I came to realise that what is funny and good natured to an Aussie is insulting to the American. I have heard of situation where Aussies have actually almost started a fight because of this. Theyll say something insinuating that the other person is gay or whatever and it will be like "What did you say..."
ReplyDeleteSo what has this got to do with Brazil? I have a lot of South American friends and I know that, Bruno was right, they do have the same sort of approach. It dosen't mean what you think it does, so it just needs some cultural interpreting like "I like you and I want you to join the fun", throw one back at them and it will be like "O thank you I like you too" really trully that is what it means. To be truthful I dont particularly like that style myself especially because Im not good at comebacks. I would much prefer it if it wasnt that way, but when you understand the meaning that is attached to it, then you no longer need to feel like they are just nasty people. Oh and keep us the Blog, it really is a good site