So, I'm sure most of you are aware of my stubborn insistence on cleaning my own apartment and not having a maid. All right. I think I did really well. I lasted 5 months. This is the second time I've gone through this cycle (here's the first). What cycle, you may ask? This one:
1. We move.
2. I rejoice in letting the maid go.
3. I insist that I can keep up the chores in the new place by myself. I make up reasons about how the apartments are different and how this time will, too, be different.
4. I spend all my free time cooking and cleaning.
5. Alexandre does nothing, because he is a Brazilian man who grew up with 2 full-time maids at home (fatal combination).
6. We bicker about how he does nothing.
7. He offers to pay for a maid.
8. I am resentful that he will not embrace this part of my culture.
9. He reminds me that we're not living in my culture, and that, here, a maid once a week would cost us about 4% of our combined monthly income.
10. I give in to hiring a maid to stop the arguing and to (slightly) curb the resentment and insist that he'd better start preparing himself, because as soon as we move to the US, he's gonna be making up for lost time in the world of chores.
All right. So a woman in the building recommended a maid for us. Today was her first and last day. I just remembered why I hate having a maid. I'll admit that I was so relieved when I woke up this morning and realized she was coming and I could use my day for something besides cleaning (you know, something like... working). But then there were some problems:
*Turns out she works at a daycare every weekday morning. Until 1pm. She showed up at 1:15.
*She announced when she walked in the door that this is the only day she's coming -- she's having surgery next week and will be out for two months and will not recommend anyone. Sacanagem! She could've told me that when we talked earlier this week. Imagine if I did that to my students. This irritated me.
*She is a Chatty (as hell) Cathy. My attempts at telling her that I was working on a translation proved futile. I got to hear all about her family, all day. I resorted to just saying "uh huh, uh huh" and then eventually not responding at all until she got the picture.
*SHE IS SO GODAMNED SLOW OMG. My apartment is the size of an egg, as the expression goes in Portuguese. Even when I am totally inspired and decide to clean the entire thing from top to bottom AND iron all the clothes, it takes me a maximum of 6 hours. I had a Skype class at 8pm, so I sent her home, even though she hadn't even touched our bedroom (THE ONLY ROOM) and even though she hadn't finished ironing the clothes. What could she possibly have been doing for 7 freaking hours!? Well, in the time it took me to eat my whole dinner, she didn't even finish ironing ONE shirt. Didn't. Finish.
I ate dinner standing up in the kitchen because she was using our table as the ironing board and because she said she didn't want food and because I was too embarrassed to be eating in front of her without giving her any. And while I was standing there, eating my dinner, I was getting more and more frustrated about how I just don't know how to navigate the social rules of having a maid. What am I supposed to do when she takes that long? Is it her fault or mine? Did I leave her too much to do? Are there rules about that? (But aren't there some limits to just how messy a 300-square-foot apartment can get? Our last apartment was like, 3 times the size, and the maid cleaned it in 4-5 hours.) Was I supposed to wait for her to finish, even if it took all night? Or was I supposed to ask her to come back to finish? Or pay her less? Or pay her more? I HATE THIS.
So now I'm stuck again. I definitely don't want to go back to this woman, mostly because she takes too long but also because she was sneaky and dishonest about the schedule thing, and she thought that, by "conveniently omitting" the important detail about her surgery when we talked the other day, that she'd secure a job with us long-term. But then I don't know if I really want to try to find someone else, either. This shit is annoying. But so is being the only one who cleans. I can't win.
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Yay! First commenter!
ReplyDeleteFirst, my mom has a cleaning lady (not sure if that is better than maid) in Panama and she fucked up my laundry---like washing shit that's not supposed to go together, But she's super nice so I didn't say anything. Not your sitch with weirdo employee here.
Why is it taking her so long. Is she scrubbing grout with a toothbrush? I know you have a hard time finding good cleaning products there (have you tried vinegar and baking soda--that's all I'm using now) but this lady sounds like a jerk. I hope you get it worked out =)
hahahaha When she's taking that long you're supposed to tell her to go faster. lol Kidding. But you kind of have to point things out: clean this, do that, mop here, sweep under the couch, behind the desk, clean the bathroom, and on and on and on. Y'know, guiding (not bossing her around. Oh no, you wouldn't want to do that lol). Otherwise, she'll "take advantage" of you because you're too nice. You might feel uncomfortable, but sometimes, according to my grandma, it's necessary. Listen to the girl who has had maids her whole life. :P
ReplyDeleteI think you should just try someone else.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with getting Alexandre to help! I'm lucky if I can get my husband to put his clothes in the hamper, throw away his trash, or wash his own plate!
OMG. I totally feel you on this post. Everything you wrote is exactly what I fear when it comes to having a maid.
ReplyDeleteI don't think I could ever have a maid - I would feel badly too, plus I am so OCD no one could really clean my place better than me! I think you should get someone else altogether also. Good luck with this!
ReplyDeleteDear Danielle,
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you are in Rome and should try to do as the Romans do...and I know you are trying.
So, here is a tip.
Your MIL will have valuable information to help you your slow maid, what to do, how much to pay or not pay if she didn't complete the job.
She will feel useful and appreciated and it will be a win, win for you :)
If I remember well, when my mother had a new maid, she would spend every minute of the first day with the maid. Telling her step by step what she expected from her.
For example: Listen Maria, I expect you to arrive around 9am, because by that time, the kids have gone to school, my husband has gone to work and I will be off to the gym.
I want you to clean the bedrooms in the morning, remove all the sheets and towels and bring to the laundry.
By lunch you should have all the linens soaking in the water with bleach and be ready to tackle the kitchen.
At 2pm, the kitchen should be cleaned up and the laundry should be ready to be ironed.
I need you to start ironing by 2pm so you can finish by 4pm. Between 4pm and 5pm I need you to take all the linens back to the bedrooms and make all the beds and put all the ironed clothes back in the hangers.
I am just giving you an example, give her a reasonable example of a routine that you had while cleaning your house.
If she has poor time management and can't get things done as fast as you could, pay attention and see if she is day dreaming, watching soap opera, talking on her cell phone etc...When you spot the reasons for her delayed timing in getting the work done, you can talk to her about it and how you got it done. No distractions etc...
Some maids will surprise you and finish the work even faster than you ever could...those are the good ones, if they do and you are happy with the work, you can decide if you let her leave earlier or not.
My mother always used this strategy as a bonus. So, if they finish the expected work earlier, because they work hard and have good time management, they get to go home earlier. That is a powerful incentive for good work.
My brother's maid has their house key. She comes in when they are both at work. They don't even see her. They just come home to a home perfectly clean. They have no idea how long their maid takes to clean everything. They have developed this high level of trust over the years.
You are paying for a service, there is nothing wrong is having expectations and demanding it's completion.
You should figure your own style with them. Always treat them with respect and consideration but be firm and clear about your expectations.
Having said all that, it's not easy to find a good match.
You are dealing with people, there is chemistry on both sides, yours and hers.
You will get better with time, but you have to start somewhere, and I think your MIL is your best source of valuable teachings on this department.
Everybody wins, you and Alexandre will have more time for yourselves and your maids will have a source of income.
Good luck :)
Ray
Don't ask this lady to come back at all. Just a bad recommendation. I say since this is a repeating theme, don't hire anyone until you're satisfied. These ladies are human beings and they're in your home, but they're also earning a living doing something they're able to get paid to do. You can ask someone to do a service for you, properly, for a fee, without them being your slave or at the other end, taking advantage of you. No one's perfect and I'm assuming the majority'll try to gain your sympathy whether deserving or not. Keep it professional. You need A, B, C done. A, and B are perfect and C is kind iffy? OK. You really need A done properly but she just can't seem to do it right? Probably not the right fit. Lucky you have the blog for your day-to-day questions :)
ReplyDeleteYou need to find someone else. This woman is NOT going to work out. Ask at the gym, ask your students, etc. You need someone else. I have a small apartment too, and a maid once a week means that I do not have to spend my limited free time sweeping and scrubbing the toilet. It is worth it! I also agree with Samia, you need to give her specific tasks and be clear. I learned that when I noticed my once a week maid was not cleaning the plastic mat in the shower, so I asked her to clean "the mat in the shower" and she cleaned the rug in the bathroom!
ReplyDeleteMy MIL tells her maid to go faster. She actually says, you know you have to leave by 4pm... I don't think I could pull that off lol
ReplyDeleteTry someone else. It's a relationship. I finally found someone who is a good fit for me an vice versa, so can you :)
So it's the same thing for us, we start fighting about chores and ricardo says he doesn't want to do housework.
ReplyDeleteNina: Wow. Really? And I do? It's just assumed that I do everything? What! Oh so I'm the woman and I need to do it all, I am suppose to do EVERYTHING.
Ricardo: Fine, fine I will pay someone to clean everything. I can do that. I can do that for you. I have money to pay for that. ok? Is everything ok now?
Nina: blank stare at nothing. Starts to walk away.
Ricardo: Amor?
Nina: it's fine, don't worry. It's fine.
But I think it's like creating a monster. He will do little things like take out the garbage twice a month. But this happens 3-4 times a week. We are also not putting the U.S. out of our options. A housecleaner is just not possible there. then what?
So true about Brazilian men being oblivious to the cleaning necessities! My husband will put his clothes into the tank with soap... and then wait for them to "magically" be rinsed from the soap, put into amaciante, and later hung on the line to dry. Just call me the laundry fairy :-p
ReplyDeleteMy apartment's smaller than yours - only takes about 3 hours to do a complete cleaning - but it has a varanda that opens onto a main road, so all sorts of dust gets in and it really should be cleaned twice a week. I'm reluctant to hire a maid and deal with the drama, though.
Wow this has been enlightening! Ray, thanks for posting. It feels absurd to me to go through everything step by step like that, but if it is what's done I'll get used to it. Whenever I've had a housekeeper in the US, they just knew what to do and we never even had to talk about it other than little things (please don't use bleach on the blah blah blah).
ReplyDeleteI'm also grateful for my husband who is willing to clean. (a little bit) but does keep saying- when you're working FT we'll get somebody to help YOU. I keep saying "Don't you mean help US?"
Wow everyone, thanks for your helpful comments!
ReplyDeleteMy conversations sound exactly like Nina's.
Hello,
ReplyDeleteI totally sympathise. I've moved to Brazil a month ago and was surprised to find a maid where I'm staying. She is daft and also incredibly slow. I feel bad because the woman I'm staying with asks me for reports on what the maid has been doing etc. It's getting so complicated that I have to unplug the telly after the owner goes out and before the maid arrives so she can't spend all day watching soap operas. Here is a more full account:
http://absurdtraveller.blogspot.com/2011/08/maids-meat-and-dancing.html
If you fancy reading about the cray maid I'm stuck with. Ahhhhhhhhh
Really good maids are like really good doctors, good mechanics, good chiropractors, good cooks or good priests. They're rare as hens teeth.
ReplyDeleteWhen I say really good, I mean someone nice, honest, thoughtful, full of initiative, funny and hard working.
Yours sounds none of these. If she was a doctor, you'd go for a second opinion. There's a good one out there somewhere. And a person stupid enough to keep hiring this bad one.
Ha, I love how the comments on your post show that this is a recurring relationship issue amongst non-Brazilian women married to Brazilian men!
ReplyDeleteMy husband actually does housework, sometimes. In fact, he usually does it better than I do. (I was going to attribute this to not growing up with a maid, but then realized that that's not true at all - even in families without household help, the men get away without doing any housework!) But I second Jennifer's comment about "helping YOU" vs. "helping US." Nothing is more annoying than the attitude that when he or someone else helps out around the house (or, worse, with the kids), it's a favour for YOU.
Danielle - I only started reading your blog recently and don't usually comment, but I always enjoy reading your blog!
Sarah
THAT is rotten. I think I've figured out my own maid situation - I'm not committing to a full time person, and will instead, hire two part time people. Lots of benefits in this...
ReplyDeleteI think that one of my mental barriers to learning Portuguese is that I don't want people to talk to me. We had borrowed my sister-in-laws very chatty maid when ours left and after just a few minutes of her chatter, she realized I couldn't follow and just shut up. Maybe try this with the next one, they don't need to know you speak Portuguese. (She did sing for the rest of the day, but it was OK...)
You need to ged rid of!! Before you go absolutely mad, you'll be complaining about her attitude and slowness every week. She's made a shite first impression I bet you anything she will not change unless you blatantly tell her everything you're not happy with and the way she seems to be will probably cause an awkward vibe whenever she's there. I've lost count of the amount of times my hubby's sister in law has changed maids, and every time it would have been better to fire the maid before sister in law started to procrastinate firing the maid prolonging the frustration!
ReplyDelete