OK guys, I have big news! Do you feel like you're having a hard time adapting to life in Brazil, especially to the class differences and the maid situation?
Well, I've figured out why. I'm watching the movie "The Help" that just came out in the US. It's about these very problems in Mississippi in the 1960s. It's so much like present-day Brazil!!!
So ladies, we didn't move to a new country. We just went into time machines, and now we're expected to be 1960s housewives, and it's supposed to be logical to have maids, to make them use separate bathrooms and to eat at different times and/or at different tables, to insult them and other black people while they're in the room, and to revolve our whole lives around our husbands.
NOW IT ALL MAKES SENSE.
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HA! That was one of the books for my book club here in Sao Paulo, and we definitely saw the similarities.
ReplyDeleteBut it still happens here! However, it only happens with wealthy families now. The middle class can no longer afford to have a full-time staff. I have a friend who nannies for rich families and some of the stories she tells me are mind-boggling. THe richer they are the stingier they get. We are going to see 'The Help' on Sunday together. I've heard it's different from the book, so I'm bummed, but I'll look for those similarities you write of. In Chile, it was definitely like that.
ReplyDeleteoh Danielle, you make me laugh. I love reading your blog because I can hear you saying the things you write - it's so genuine.
ReplyDeleteYou shouldn't have to like like a 1960's housewife. Don't succumb!
I really keep wondering what Brazilians think when they see this movie...
ReplyDeletethere are also so many other parallels here outside of just the maid situation that remind me of the 60s even tho I wasnt around then.. very interesting (and really sad/frustrating/annoying)!!!
I've had a brazilian spouse for over 15 years now. He's the youngest child of a family that always had a maid or two, whereas I am the oldest child of a family where we began doing chores as soon as we could walk.
ReplyDeleteWhen we first lived together, he seemed absolutely stunned at the idea that food would not be made for him the second he was hungry, or that clothes had to be cleaned and ironed (man I hate that whole iron the t-shirt and underwear thing) or that cleaning the house was part of what grown-ups do, not maids, not elves, not jesus. He got seriously macho, indignant and panicky when I made it clear there were NO maids in his future, including me, and there were things he'd have to learn to do for himself and for us.
The solution is actually quite simple, but it does take some time, lots of determination, and some real self-discipline on your part. I had to just grit my teeth and be prepared to live in a rather nightmarish apartment for a while. Nasty bathrooms, piles of dirty dishes, no clean clothes, lots and lots of resentment and sullen looks from him. I also had to commit to staying calm, refuse to get stuck in arguments, blame games and guilt trips, and just stay firm. I knew that eventually living in his own filth and starving to death would not be something he liked, and I counted on that very traditional brazilian value, excessive pride, kicking in.
What I wasn't prepared for was the simple fact that for many basic things, and I mean BASIC, he really just didn't have any idea how to do them. I guess cleaning a toilet seems totally incomprehensible if its not something you've ever imagined doing. So I also had to not laugh and tease him, but realize he was humiliated in having to ask and just be kind as I showed him what needed to be done.
It works! Some things take a few months (washing dishes and cleaning toilets), some things take a few years (cooking) but now he is a super tidy guy who cooks and eats everything, even things like kimchi and 4 star thai curries, whereas before he only ate fries, burgers, rice and beans and hated everything else. He lectures me on my slobby slothfulness and takes great pride in his ability to do just about anything that needs to be done around the home. My baby has grown up to be a real partner in life's less than thrilling every day necessities:)
Be true to your sense of justice, integrity and humanity and just refuse to live like a 60's white housewife. Slavery, racism and injustice are as hideous as they ever were. Change in Brazil has to start somewhere, even in your tiny egglike apartment, right? Plus, who really wants strangers in your house mucking around with your gross mammalian residue?? I say, just decide, firmly, NO MAIDS. He is your husband, you love him, he is truly capable of learning and change, even if he won't like for a while. But the effort is TOTALLY worth it, really. Sharing the burden of both keeping things clean, and the guilt when you both decide to let things slide for a while, is very bonding! Viva la Revolucion, baby:)
Eric, I love your success story and I'm so happy it worked out for you. But I think you underestimate just how much mess Alexandre will be able to stand. We're in the middle of this battle of wills with the car. It's not pretty.
ReplyDeleteBut I'm going to show Alexandre your comment and see how it goes. Brazilian men don't seem to understand that there are three parts to the day: work, fun, and house, not just work and fun. And also, that what you spend your money on shows your values and morals. Sigh.
First, awesome, I can't wait to watch that movie.
ReplyDeleteSecond, I totally hear what Eric is saying - not in my own relationship but with my SIL and some of my richy-rich students. One of my rich students asked the meaning of 'chores' yesterday and when I explained that's it's usually housework that people do (esp children to earn allowances) she couldn't even comprehend why anyone would have an 'allowance' and not just be able to have whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted it.
le sigh!
hey Danielle,
ReplyDeleteI'm grinning here, because its SOOO good to be years away from that first long battle! When I write that the solution was simple, I don't mean to say that it was easy, because it wasn't. I just knew that there was no other way, and a lot of the responsibility lay with me, fair or not.
Your real disadvantage is just that he has already had a couple of years where you've always given in. And from what you write, it sounds like he is counting on the fact that your tolerance for filth and mess is less than his, so you'll always clean up in the end if he just waits long enough. That's where you have to prepare yourself in case his tolerance really is greater than yours. You'll be aching to just clean up, but stay strong, hold your nose, blur your vision, and be patient.
Actually, as it turned out, and something I've since learned after living with other brazilians, is that they are used to things being pretty clean all the time because of the maids, so their tolerance of ickyness (dishes and bathrooms especially) is pretty low. He only thought he was more tolerant, but in the end, he couldn't stand things being filthy. Success!!
One of the hardest things is just to be sure not to get angry and resentful yourself. I got very good at just walking away (and eating out, hanging with friends, stuff I really enjoyed so no punishment at all for me) when I needed to, leaving him to stew and simmer all alone in our festering cesspool of an apartment. But he quickly learned that I was serious about what had to happen.
It also helped a lot that we continued to have people over and I was very open about apologizing for the mess and exactly what that mess represented (his laziness and refusal to do his part), which he HATED. And as soon as I realized that, I had lots and lots of guests! Social shame, as I'm sure you already know, often seems to be the main curb (and even then, not often enough, sadly) on sociopathic and selfish behavior in regular brazilian life, rather than morality or ethics. So take advantage and make that work for you!
In my case, this battle occurred here in the states, so I had an advantage you don't have. And perhaps your visitors will blame you, as the woman, for not doing the cleaning. But remember that the often schizo worship/disdain brazilians seem to have for americans and american culture can work to your advantage. If you can calmly present yourself as UTTERLY convinced in your view that an equal share of chores IS the ONLY proper civilized advanced modern acceptable way, that will begin to sow doubts in Alex and/or others that over time will wear them down. Anything rather than be atrasado or brega in any way, right?
If you really are planning on living in the states soon, scare him. Its not really an exaggeration to tell him that for a guy to be a slob and rely on his lady to pick up after him is only what trailer-trash Jerry Springer losers do, not doctors.
It REALLY will pay off, for both of you, trust me. its about a lot more than just chores, as I think you realize. There is no question in my mind that a HUGE amount of positive change that came in my once rather spoiled and narrow-minded husband, in terms of empathy and maturity, began with just learning to clean a bathroom, wash clothes and dishes, think about real life and real work and the plight of those who have less freedom, time, and choice. When my hubby visits home now, his family is rather stunned at his competence and thoughtfulness, even if they don't always get it. He is grown up in ways that are far far beyond his much older siblings and they see that.
Wow, do I sound like a know-it-all!! Forgive me, I guess its just something I totally had to deal with and the effort paid off, so I want to share what I can in the hopes that it will help:)
Spot on! I'm pretty thrilled that my house helper, J-, doesn't call me Dona anymore...we've finally convinced her that the bathrooms are for everyone's use and the maid's bathroom is storage ONLY. But J- still won't eat when we're around, or express her preferences for snacks, so we had to pay extra attention to the food situation to figure out what she *was* eating. (Chocolate milk and toast, mostly). It's maddening. Having help is wonderful, but these perceived class barriers drive me nuts. There's no shame in having help, provided you pay your employees fairly and treat them respectably (I should know-I was a maid for several summers back in the US). I'm going to tag your post on FB because it made me laugh so hard!
ReplyDeleteI find this issue is one I need to revisit often just like reading that special book every few years. My perspectives have changed a lot and continue to change the longer I live here. I don't have answers just some thoughts to ponder. The older woman who helped us in Sao Paulo was treated and became more of a fairy godmother as I arrived in Brazil. We worked together, ate together, and shopped together. I treated her as my expert. When she called me sra or dona I quickly laughed and then said 1) I was not old enough or wise enough and if she wanted to come back she would only call me by name. That is the relationship I wanted and needed. It is true there are tons of bad and complex situations here-absolutely. But we also have friends with a Nanny has her own computer, cable, gym membership and eats sushi with the family. Many years ago I bashed very strongly having any help to a relative of my husband. Her reply was that she felt that if I had the means I had the obligation to provide someone else a job-treat them with dignity and feed their family. As Americans we often think about community service but I never thought about it like that. My Brazilian husband and I do things together. I have no desire for much help and will always struggle with it in the same ways you do. But I now believe strongly that the goal is in the quality of the relationships rather than eliminating them all together. Our culture tells us what is OK and what is not OK. Our culture says it is OK to have the neighbor kid shovel or mow the lawn. It is OK to pay the dry cleaners to press the shirts but not OK to pay someone to do it in your home without chemicals. Our culture also says it is OK to support the substandard labor in the clothes we wear and products we use...as long as we wash, iron, paint, and DIY ourselves. American kids have an I DO IT MYSELF attitude from age two. Here I am amazed at how many of my 4-5 year olds ask for help with putting on shoes. But, I finally figured out that it was my culture that said the goal was to "do it myself". Now I just have to figure out what my goals are over and over again!
ReplyDeleteI have to admit, as someone who was domestic help to the very rich for 10 years in the USA and as someone who now has maids in her Brazilian family, keep on using them! They need the work!
ReplyDeletehahaha. I totally blogged about the same thing after reading the book! Have you read the book? Did you like the movie?
ReplyDelete