Today was one of those obnoxious days that only caipirinhas can fix. We're going out with some friends soon for exactly that reason.
But in the meantime, I have some musings for you, fine and patient readers. The crap today (not much different from other crap I complain about) really made me wonder: Am I going to be able to deal with the mess of this country for the rest of my life? THE REST OF MY LIFE, arguing with incompetent drones who refuse to do their jobs? Paying for services that I can't expect to receive? Watching my back, double-checking, thinking for two, literally begging people not to pass the buck?
What do Brazilians do to cope? I joke about alcohol as a solution to the frustration and the overpowering anger, but really-- is that the ONLY THING that people do? Drink their troubles away? Alexandre's solution (learned from his parents) is to just re-pay for things, to pay more for things, to pay people to do things for him, to leave things for me to do, to avoid contact with people as much as possible, even if that means just leaving a problem unsolved and seeing how long that works. What do people do when they don't want to throw their money away, or when they don't have money TO throw away? I like to plan vacations to feel better. They give me positive things to look forward to. My time vacationing often makes me hate Brazil a little less. But is that the kind of life I can expect, then? These huge highs and lows of maddening rage on one side and sweet relaxation and amazement on the other?
Will I be able to live in a society that is so really and truly "every man for himself"? I know I'll have good days again, that I won't think like this every day, but that's sure as heck how it's been feeling lately.
Both Alexandre and I can make more money working in Brazil, which is why we have stayed and why we plan to stay so far. But things can't stay the way they are. Since I can't singlehandedly change Brazil's sorry excuse for an education system, nor can I change the rampant apathy that is apparently acceptable in the workplace and in society as a whole, I need to find a way to change myself and my perspective. Does it just mean accepting the fact that life is going to be lived at about 65% of its potential? Does it mean that I need to always account for time wasted on trying (and usually failing) to solve problems that other people cause for me? Does it mean entering into every new venture/situation/agreement with the expectation that it's probably not going to work out? Does it mean giving up on the idea of ever living in a reciprocal, empathetic community again, or in a place where people really and truly believe the expression "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," not because the Bible says it, necessarily, but just because it makes things easier for everyone?
I never used to be this angry/pessimistic/cynical/grouchy. But this godforsaken place is sucking away my morale.
Holla if you've had days like this.
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2 words: Move South!
ReplyDeleteI've never lived further north than Paraná and despite my own share of bureaucracy and waiting in lines I never experienced the level of frustration and anger you seem to. In fact the thing I LOVED about Porto Alegre/interior of RS were the people on the street and shops. The further south you go the better they get (right on the border to Uruguay? AWESOME country and wonderful people), but if I could I'd probably choose Floripa for the beach (but that's just me).
A long experience in expat living has also taught me it's usually not as great back home as you think it is. I know SO many people who moved back to the land of their dreams only to be desperate to leave in a couple of months. Life and people suck/amaze you everywhere!
Oh my gosh. I'm so there. My husband has been griping about this LOTS lately. I'm gonna send you a personal message with more info.
ReplyDeleteIt has been making us crazy recently. Particularly with our living situation. But it also happens with work (especially the husbands) and with our kids school. We are constantly amazed at how low the expectations are, and how often teachers and parents just shrug their shoulders and say "it's just how it is." Really? Does it REALLY have to be this way?
Have you seen this blog? http://brazilphenomenon.wordpress.com/2012/04/19/the-jeitinho-brasileiro/
It helped me feel like I wasn't crazy a few weeks back.
: /
ReplyDeleteWeird. Maybe a superhero team of anthropologists should come down there and figure what's wrong with those Brazillians!
I sympathize, even though I've never been in a whole country that's quite that messed up. The medical system here in the US is pretty frustrating to me. It's bad enough that I really, really try not to go to the doctor because I know it will generate a good 6 months worth of medical billing headaches per visit. ugh.
Hang in ther. Or...why not leave Brazil?
I don't live in Brazil nor have I ever been there, but I completely hear/feel your frustrations. My fiancee has to deal with the same issues written above with his ex-wife (half Brazilian, half evil) that lives there (we're in Hawaii)... I hate seeing him frustrated and stuck, literally pissing his money away. He's not an angry person but this "Brazilian way of life" sure does turn him edgy. I hope you feel better soon..
ReplyDeleteHere's a really helpful/depressing article about jeitinho:
ReplyDeletehttps://docs.google.com/open?id=0BwFaVhHOb_5mUjJPU3pwbWljaFU
Danielle,
ReplyDeleteI think it goes in waves. There will be times where this is more annoying and times when it is less. I have to say this does not bother me much anymore, but I think I am pretty isolated because in academia as the professor, I have a lot of control over my work and my environment. I think that you need to pick your battles. Figure out what parts you really want to press against and just let the rest go.
Living in another country can be frustrating at times but I agree with Julie that life "back home" might not be as rosy as one remembers it. This conversation actually reminded me of the famous Diary of a Brazilian in Pennsylvania.
ReplyDeleteI think Alexandre's parents are right. It's less hassle in the long run to overpay for things. Sad but true. The frustration comes in waves with me. I'll go through phases when every mong pisses me off. Then I have phases where I just laugh and don't worry about things at all. They happen when they happen. Alcohol is defo not the way to go, though it helps me in the pissed off phases.
ReplyDeleteI guess you just have to accept that your standards will never ever be met in Brazil. A good expat friend of mine gave me some excellent advice which I ignored at first thinking him a cynic - "You have to learn to be an absolute bastard to get on here." I'm beginning to think he was right. The only problem is how to turn off being a bastard. It can feel reaaaaal good.
Holla!
ReplyDeleteI'm very lucky that Carlos lived in the US, and learned that you could be treated fairly and get what you pay for. BUT....he still does some of the same things you mentioned that Alexandre does, but less often and with less force. I have to say that it does help that he has similar expectations to me and will push in a polite way.
As I read your post, I remember this paper I wrote in undergrad in cross-cultural psychology. It was about seeing the flip side of the coin for something that is frustrating because one thing does not exist without the other. I wish I could brighten your day with one now, but can't think of any for your situation (For example, people are in your personal business more, but you can also expect more community support.)
Maybe today just sucks.
And I really like what PG said....your standards will never be met....and neither will mine. There can be something wonderful for me about saying "Brazil, I;m so disappointed in you because...."
I don't drink, so when I have these problems I just cry, cry, cry and cry.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I just hate how things work here.
São Paulo countryside is heaven! You are overreacting. Calm down, relax... Alexandre has a bright future and you too. If the pre salt oil layer can be explored, this country will see a huge influx of money. Here is the place to stay and São Paulo countryside is the best. And you don't have to pay twice anything. Maybe sometimes it's better to pay someone to go through the Brazilian red tape. But that's all. Good luck, Jenner.
ReplyDeleteYes, yes, and YES... I do feel this way sometimes. More often than I'd like.
ReplyDeleteWhat works for me (when I remember to apply it) is:
1) Lower your expectations. Just assume things will go wrong and then be pleasantly surprised when they do work out. If I have to go wait in line somewhere, I PLAN for it to take at least an hour (if not three) and organize my schedule accordingly, bring reading material, etc.
2) When you do find genuinely good friends, businesses with great customer service, competent landlords, decently behaving employers, and other such "gems," HOLD ONTO THEM FOREVER!!!
These are the kind of things that brings my husband back to reality whenever he is thinking the grass is greener on the Brazilian side of the fence. For example, we arrived in Brazil in March and his first thought is, "The weather is so great here! The fruit is so cheap! Brazil is amazing!" And then we had that whole rental car fiasco (which, btw, continues on as they continued to make charges to our credit card after we got back for "incidentals" that were not ours...). And then remembers that there is more to a place than weather/fruit. I am not saying that he does not love his country, he does, immensely. But he appreciates the ease of getting things done -- and done right -- so fluidly here in the states. I think it is very difficult for any of us who grew up with this as a given to understand/accept that it is always so in other places. I felt it living in Micronesia, but I had the advantage of chalking it up to an experience as I was only going to be there for two years, not life.
ReplyDeleteYeah I felt very frustrated for the first few months I was here, but despite the fact I don't like a lot about the jeitinho brasileiro I've learned to pick my battles. Life is too short to spend it being pissed off all the time with a problem you cannot surmount on your own. Go with the flow!
ReplyDeleteI don't know what other Brazilians do, but eu dou barraco, faço a louca e rodo a baiana meeeesmo! I think Brazil is way less frustrating for me than it's for you because I grew up here, and I don't recall feeling this frustrated ever. Maybe when I'm waiting in line for something that takes forever and still doesn't happen as I expected, or when on the phone with illiterate phone operators who are supposed to but can't solve my problem, or speak Portuguese, but that's the extend of it.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, I don't have a solution for you (except for the barraco thing). I'm a bit of brat and I like to have things my way, so you'll find me yelling at incompetent people quite often; And when stupid drivers speed up when it's my turn to cross the street "na faixa de pedestres," I make sure to stop right in the middle of it, look them in the eyes, and tell them there's a faixa there and they have to stop. It's my private battle! And I never ever pay more or re-pay for anything. I pay what's fair and demand that things happen as they should. It's tiring and a real pain in the ass, and it's not much, but it kind of is my contribution to make a better Brazil. :-)
Samia! Thanks for fighting for all of us! Together, we can do it!!!
ReplyDeleteDanielle
ReplyDeleteI understand how you feel. I lived my whole life in Brazil until I was 40 years old. Unfortunately I was never able (in Brazil) to pay more for things so I wouldn't have headaches all the time. I saw how wealthy people live in Brazil and I can say that they, most of the time, don't have to deal with the things you are dealing now. My financial situation forced me to live around people that used "the jeitinho brasileiro" and the "lei de Gerson" as their way of living. Every single day was a challenge to live around this people. Unfortunately they are the majority in the country. And if you don't have the money to live your life with the minority you will have problems every day. I was depressed several times in my life because of that until it got to a point that I couldn't stand that anymore. I left Brasil in 2009 and I am living and studying in US since then. I disagree with one of the comments above. Like here in my host american family, they complain about the same things. How people are nasty, how people only think about themselves, how bad the traffic is but let me tell you: They have no idea how bad it can get. If you really want to see bad go to Brazil and spend a 6 months there. You will come back thinking that this (here), it's a paradise. I hope one day I can find a way to stay in this country and contribute to this society, because the worst thing that could ever happen to me is to have to come back to Brazil. I will find another country, I will try everything, but Brazil it's out of the question.
PS- There's hardly anything that I can imagine doing for the REST OF MY LIFE that I can do for 1 day, or a few hours.
ReplyDeleteI hope you're feeling a little bit better now. I don't have any formula to solve this, so I just wish you better days :).
ReplyDeleteI'm certain that you and Alexandre have a bright future ahead, no matter where you decide to live :).
Best :)
Yea, it's true, sometimes life can suck big time. And you know, that there are jerks everywhere - as well as nice people. So just chalk it up to one of those days - I don't think it is such a bad idea to have a drink or two, or is is just me...don't let them get to you!
ReplyDeleteThis is the part hat scares me and I haven't even moved their yet. I told my husband I can't do Brazil for the rest of my life. Although I hope I am proved wrong.
ReplyDeleteI think the problem is that you are coming from a 1st world top 5 country as far as living standards, efficiency and technology are concerned. You bar is set pretty high. The US is pretty ahead of the rest when it comes to technology and trying to improve themselves. They don't settle. In the US they invest in research and development and always try to improve.
I know all countries have problems but honestly the US is pretty good. There is no place I would have rather been born. I think they get the job done well as it goes compared to most countries. So I can totally understand where you are coming from. I am already frustrated with things down there such as the tax. The huge tax on imports I have to contend with that makes no sense. Since I am American and want to buy from my country. Why is that a problem? I can't figure out what they use the tax money on down there. Their public services sck. Still can't figure that one out.
I don't' know how I am going handle it. But I will try. Hopefully things will get better for you. Can you move to a better area. Maybe more South?
Another thing I think its easier for expats living in Brazil who are just passing through on an exotic international job assignment that will end in a few years. They know they are passing through. Not that there experiences aren't real. But they know they are leaving. Its an extended vacation and everyone is happier on a extended vacation. Its not indefinite, real life, no return ticket. So its easier to deal with. Your attitude is a little more go with the flow and so isn't your advice. Let me know how you feel when your stay is permanent and their is no return ticket.
ReplyDeleteYou described my husband's overall attitude to a T! It's SOOO frustrating! Knowing that I'm going to have to deal with it on a wider scale when we move to Brazil is one of the things I'm dreading. Brazilians don't seem to have the same sense of accountability that we are raised with. It's just a different way of life, that works for them, but is hard for us to understand. Hopefully I'll be able to navigate it better than I'm anticipating!
ReplyDeleteEducation has a lot to do with it too. When a problem occurs more often than not you need to find a solution from someone with a basic level of education. It's not their fault, it's not your fault either.
ReplyDeleteYou're not smarter, though you think you may be and in fairness sometimes you are. Some people are just stupid.
I lived in Buenos Aires for seven months and I can relate. Eventually I had to get out. I think a lot of the problems you are expressing are pervasive in South American culture, and for good reason. The region has had a tumultuous history, and corruption is a daily occurrence that is just accepted and embraced. I think they have become tired of fighting officials who never have their best interests at heart. It's like they have become what they hate. I am supposed to be returning to Buenos Aires on Thursday, but I don't think I'm going to be able to do it. I keep asking myself, "Why am I forcing myself to go somewhere I don't want to live?" Wisdom only comes from the sting I guess.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Brasilcana. When you find that dentist that actually attends you at the time you scheduled, or that plumber that actually appears and fixes your pipe without ripping your head off, hold on to them with dear life. That is thr ONLY way I have managed to survive so long without going completely insane. And whatever you do, DO NOT talk about your frustration with 100% Brazilians (who have not seen the other side...). The bottom line is that Brazilians have no consideration for other Brazilians or other people for that matter. I have NO idea where that comes from. I´m still working on it. My blog is Brazil Phenomenon. Check it out.
ReplyDeleteTrying to help you folks and after reading expat blogs for some years, I started my own blog "My Brazilian Eye on Expat Life". After reading Danielle's last posts, I have posted "Living in a Brazilian Condo". When I have time, I'll post "Being a Tenant in a Brazilian Condo". As an engineer and real estate developer in São Paulo state, I hope becoming a sound source of information on Brazil.
ReplyDeleteHolla, holla! I agree with Corinne. I think it comes in waves...Right now I'm surfing a killer wave...but I know there's a sneaky undertow somewhere waiting to suck me under.
ReplyDeleteIn reality, unfortunately, I do think there has to be some acceptance of mediocrity. (i have no idea if i spelled that right) That is, in order to not feel like you are constantly running into a brick wall....
I hope you catch a killer wave soon. If not, go get a stephanie pick me up. (you know, some form of ice cream)
Wow!! I'm glad to hear I'm not alone here! I was born in São Paulo, but raised in California from 7 years of age and lived in the US till about 10 months ago, 22 years of age. Now I'm in Floripa, Brazil, but goodness, some days I get fairly cynical, frustrated, angry and other adjectives I can't think of off the top of my head. I've even notice sometimes I say things that are just plain rude when I don't really mean it, and I've never really been that way before in the US. I'll send more details in a private message, and I also have a few questions! =)
ReplyDeleteFound your blog today and wow was I relieved to know I'm not alone. I lived in the U.S for 10 years and Brazil will never feel like home (Florida). I have a very hard time getting used to everything and everyone and despite many ppl think I feel more like an outsider here than when I was there... but what I came to a conclusion is... we have to make the best out of the worst, fight for your right (like the barraco lady said) and live the best way u can.. I always complain about everything and everyone here.. i absolutely hate the "jeitinho brasileiro" and how ppl luv to mind other ppl's business instead of their own.. but I'm definitely learning a lot how to deal with it all. Try to find the good things here and have a blast with. I'm also an English Teacher and it's one of the best parts of being here (just the paying that isnt that great) but im working on the private classes and really loved ur post about it. Hang in there.. it will get better! <3
ReplyDelete